How to Speak to a Pregnant Woman

Pregnancy is filled with many bizarre, unusual, miraculous, amazing things. From the first, “What? I’m pregnant? How did this happen?” to the God given miracle of birth, pregnant woman are surrounded on all sides by well wishers, congratulators, curious types and the verbal vomiter. The verbal vomiter is a person who says the very first thing that comes to their minds and usually continues on in the same vein. Honestly, I’m really not thin skinned about this, but I have thought of some great comebacks that I may or may not try out in the near future. Here are some things I’ve heard:

“You look like you’re ready to pop!”

My polite response: “Nope, I still have a couple of months.”

Here is what I really want to say: “No, I’m only 5 months pregnant, but my midwife says the baby is going to weigh about 25 lbs if I keep eating the way that I have been. I’m trying for a Guinness world record. I’m hungry, do you have any chocolate?”

“Is there only one in there?”

My polite response: “Yes, there is only one baby in here.”

Here is what I really want to say: “There is only one baby in here, but 7 octopuses. I’m part of a secret government experiment meant to explore the future possibility of providing families with both children and pets at the same time.”

“You look really big for how far along you are.”

My polite response: “Uhhhhh” At this point, I usually feel obligated to point out that I have gained a completely healthy amount of weight and am not eating myself senseless. Not that it’s any of their business.

What I really want to say: See #1.

“Wow, your kids are going to be close together!”

My polite response: “Not too close. Just about 2 years. They’re going to be good friends.”

What I really want to say: “What can I say? I’m a redneck. We breed like rabbits in my family.”

“Wow, three kids. That’ll be a handful.”

My polite response: “I’m a little nervous, but I think I can handle it.”

What I really want to say: “Actually, I’m going to hand him off to my 11 year old right after birth as a teen pregnancy preventative. It’ll only be like having 2 kids + a grandchild.”

“Three kids is a lot.”

My polite response: “No it’s not.”

What I really want to say: “Just doing our part to shore up the government’s social security program. We’ve done the math and figured out that each family should have 8 children in order for our generation to have a decent retirement pool. Are you doing your civic duty?”

“Was this pregnancy planned?”

My polite response: “Surprise, surprise!”

What I really want to say: “Planned, schmanned. I don’t even know what is causing it yet, much less how to plan it. Do you happen to know what causes pregnancy?”

Now I will tell you what I want to hear and have heard from many precious people who will forever be rated awesome in my book.

“You look beautiful!”

My polite response: “Thank you!”

What I really want to say: “What can I do for you? Wash your car? Babysit your cat? Vacuum your house? Anything so you will keep saying these wonderful things to me.”

“You don’t even look pregnant from behind.”

My polite response: “Thank you!”

What I really want to say: “Can I make you some cookies? Put together a jigsaw puzzle for you? Solve complicated math problems that have you stymied? Please, tell me more!”

“You look great! All your weight is in your belly.”

My polite response: “Thank you!”

What I really want to say: “Can I paint your house? Give your dog a bath? Plant your garden? Keep those compliments coming!”

I really do like the attention that pregnancy brings me. I love that I have a built in conversation piece, especially since I am a mediocre conversationalist, at best. Please, talk to me about my belly, my other children, my family. I’m good with that. If I know you, I will even allow you to touch my belly. I am totally fine with that, also. If you want to feel the baby kick, I would love to let you. Oh, and if my 21 month old runs by you at full speed and you see me huffing and puffing to catch up with him, feel free to grab him for me. I feel as big as an elephant.